Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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