New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
