so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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