Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize