All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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