She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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