Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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