i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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