This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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