and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
