Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
