I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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