just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He passed out mid-signature
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
