Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
