Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
