M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
