U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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