I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
