If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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