Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
