I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
