sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
