I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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