a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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