Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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