if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
