im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
