I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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