Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
