What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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