Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
