toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I can text with my tongue
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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