I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
