Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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