the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
