goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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