her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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