rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
