Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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