Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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