no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
