Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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