So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
