I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
