The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize