i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
