so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This baby is an asshole
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
