what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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