just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
