I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
