I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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