can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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