Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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