I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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