god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
