theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
