Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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