Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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