dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
