He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
