Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
