I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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