so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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