My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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