Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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