he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize