party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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